Lukewarm Ice
by lynst
Summary: Prequel. Hatori is forced to erase Kana's memories of them and he reflects upon his life in the unmeltable winter.
1. Realization

REALIZATION

I was the one to erase her memories.

Her memories of us,

Just to save her from the pain.

She was dying,

Reliving the grief and guilt,

Every day in her mind.

It was the only way to save her

And rescue her from the darkness.

I had to let her go

And let her forget all of her, all of _our_ precious memories,

Spent together.

I was the sacrifice while she went free.

I was the one to stay behind,

forever caged in the past and the time of lost spring.

This kind of sacrifice is just too much,

Too much to ask of anyone.

Anyone but me.

Because for her happiness,

It was worth it all.

Even if it all vanished into the deep abyss,

She deserved it.

She had suffered so much,

She needed this one piece of happiness.

_"She hates you, Hatori. She doesn't want to remember the pain she has caused you. She's wondering why you haven't been merciful enough to spare her from this pain. She wants to forget, Hatori." He hissed into my ear, his hypnotic voice slowly weaving a dance around my muddled mind. _

Because who was I to deprive her of this bliss?

_"You love her, Hatori. Save her...Give her what she wants." His cold, unemotional voice snaked up my veins and grasped my heart in its icy hold. "She's suffering. Now you don't want her to suffer, do you?" _

How could her happiness be held at stake just for my own selfish passions?

**"I'm so glad that I met Hatori. I'm so glad that I'm in love with Hatori." **

Kana's face suddenly filled up my mind and blocked out Akito's devious whispers, lighting up before my eyes just like spring time.

She was so young, she still had a life to live. I couldn't keep her chained up like this, forever locked to pain.

"_She's crying from the hurt." He murmured as his long fingernails idly traced the cracks in the floorboards. "She wants to let go."_

Even if I had to forever descend back into the ice I feared, even if I had to live in the coldness of winter for the rest of my life, even if I would never feel spring again...

**"I love you...I love you so much." And she smiled.**

Everything, everything...it would all be for her.


	2. Departure

DEPARTURE

She left that day.

Although my heart splintered at how she innocently smiled, unaware that her memories had been wrenched from her, I kept my face emotionles. I had to bear the pain for both of us and even though it hurt me that I had to give her one last emotionless goodbye, completely devoid of the feelings welling up in my throat; it was comfort enough that she would never have to experience the agony I felt.

So I watched her go and slowly her figure became smaller and smaller until it finally disappeared in the distance.

She never looked back.

Not to wave one small last good bye or murmur one last word of gratitude or even smile one last smile that lighted up the sky.

Nothing.

I stood, rooted to the spot I was standing as I watched my last hope of salvation, of freedom, of spring disappeared. Never, never again.

Yet this was the way it had to be.

"Goodbye, Kana."I whispered as a single tear fell onto my shoe.

That was the last time I ever cried for the water had become ice.

One does not cry ice tears.

One cannot cry ice tears.


	3. Ice

ICE

That heady plunge into the ice-cold water killed me.

I was forever drenched and cut off from warmth and sunlight, waiting for the spring that would never come.

This was my never-ending winter.

Yet, I didn't mind. So as the snow piled higher, caging in my heart, I continued building my wall of coldness higher, piling up ice block after ice block. I had loved, lost, and been hurt. And now, I saw how foolish and vulnerable I had been. I had known the risks, I had known what kind of consequences this curse could bring, I had known what Akito would've done once he learned of my feelings. Yet, I had let my emotions overwhelm my defenses and completely take over my common sense. It was too dangerous to let it happen again and with this wall, no arrow would ever pierce my heart again.

True, I would never love again but I would also never have to experience that painful ache ever again either.

I shut myself off from my family, from my friends, from my world…from my heart. You can't experience pain if you experience nothing at all. It was much better this way.

"_Look at him, there he goes again. Ever since he had to erase Kana's memories, he's been like that."_

"_He should move on! There are other girls to go after!"_

"_He's just wasting away with all that moping."_

I heard their whispers around me but for once, they didn't bother me with their mindless gossiping because now…now I was heartless. I was too cold to let their mean-spirited words pierce my feelings.

Completely emotionless, completely devoid of any feelings.

An unmovable boulder.

.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.

We are all cowards, all of us.

The moment we experience pain, we all run in the opposite direction, as fast as we can, just so you don't see Pain rear its ugly head and strike you once more.

Although it hurts our pride, we know that being a coward is so much more easier than facing our fears and meeting Pain halfway at its own game.

And because of that, I built my own shelter, my own ice wall around me to prevent Pain from calling again. I locked myself up in my own winter, never to let spring come again.

For what was spring without her?


End file.
